What is difficult conversation means? When was the last time you had a difficult conversation with your staff? And how did the conversation turn out?
Typically, a difficult conversation often involves rough, eggy, disdain, and sometimes even hostile situations. The conversation might be unfavourable and uneasy to accept if it is not handled well. This could be a conversation relating to poor performance, attitudinal change, layoff, denied promotion, change of working rules, turn down of a request, and many more, you name it.
If the conversation is handled merely telling the bad news without paying attention to the psychological impacts to the receiver, the outcome could be detrimental. This is because the news could affect the person's emotional state, well-being and possibly self-esteem. When we overlook the human psychological aspects, we could end up with an unpleasant conversation experience for both sides.
Similarly, if we bulldoze our way, we are likely experiencing resistance, backfire, and possibly communication breakdown in the conversation.
Difficult conversation can be quite daunting and relationships damaging if it is not handled well. So, is there a better way to handle the conversation?
The answer is yes. Various sources in books, journals, articles, and online reading materials are pointing to different recommendations, strategies, and solutions. But, they lead to one common approach; which is holding a two-way conversation. One of the articles I read recently using non-directive coaching approach for handling difficult conversations. Check out Daisy Wademan Dowling on her HBR's article: HBR: 7 Tips for Difficult Conversation. Useful tips that are worth trying.
Having said that, coaching is not the sole approach used to handle difficult conversations. But, if we do it right, the coaching way, we will turn around the table and create positive outcomes out of the conversation.
The next time you have a difficult conversation to handle, try the following guides:
GUIDE #1: SET YOUR GOAL
Yes. Starts with the end in mind. Know what we want to achieve out of the conversation. Plan the communication strategy. Get to know what solutions could build win-win outcomes.
Ask ourselves these few questions:
- 1What do I want to achieve by the end of the conversation?
- 2How will I know if I have achieved it?
- 3What will be his/her top concern after receiving the news?
- 4What will encourage him to receive the news and speak with an open heart?
- 5What do I need to watch out for in the conversation?
- 6What action do I want him to take after the conversation?
GUIDE #2: BUILD TRUST
In a difficult moment, people tend to seek out feeling safe, accepted and supported by others. Earn the trust in the conversation, no matter how close we are with staff. Show our genuine interest, validate his/her thoughts and feelings, and give objective feedback. If we do them well, we build a deeper level of trust with the staff and create a safe space for a deeper level of conversation.
Ask ourselves the following questions:
- 1What are my unconscious biases?
- 2What do I need to do more so that he won't shut his mind?
- 3What is the best talking style to create a safe environment to speak up?
- 4What will I need to do more to make the conversation easier?
- 5How can I stay non-judgmental and be unbiased in what I say?
- 6What behaviours or actions of mine will hurt the conversation?
GUIDE #3: MANAGE ACCOUNTABILITY
Many difficult conversations turn futile when emotions overpower the rational thinking. When a conversation becomes heated and fuzzy, it would likely ended with no conclusion of positive solution or action plans. If this happens, it will be good to end the conversation instead of prolonging it. Find another time to come back and continue the conversation. But before we come back for the second round, spare ourselves some time and evaluate what happened in the first conversation.
Can it be the end goal (Guide #1) is still not clear to both side? Or did we pay too much attention to wanting to achieve the outcome and did not gave him the space to express self well? Or perhaps we were not assertive enough making our points clear, and unable to hold him take the responsibility seriously to implement the agreed-upon actions? Or we being narcissistic and gaslighting others?
Ask ourselves the following questions:
- 1What was really missing in the conversation?
- 2How will I do it differently next time?
- 3How can I hold his attention to what is important for him?
- 4What will I do to support him take action moving forward?
- 5What will encourage him to take the first step and do it?
- 6If it still does not work out well, what is my next course of action?
No one can predict the outcomes of a conversation. Nevertheless, if we handle it well, both side would feel it is a tough conversation. Moreover, both parties would take positive actions and move forward after the conversation.
In conclusion, non-directive coaching approach helps us smoothen the rough edges in the conversation. It makes the conversation easier and mutually beneficial to both sides. Having said that, knowing the right approach would only do good for your knowledge. It makes no difference until you learn to do it, continuously improve and refine the skills to become better at it.