Why We Need to Ask, Not Assume

Have you ever been upset with someone, only to discover later that you had misunderstood the situation? Perhaps a colleague didn’t respond to your message. You assumed they were ignoring you. Or someone disagreed with your suggestion during a meeting, and you felt they were deliberately challenging you. Then you found out there was another reason.

It happens to all of us. We see something, form an opinion and react based on what we believe has happened. Sometimes we’re right. Other times, we’re responding to an assumption rather than the actual situation. The problem is that our assumptions can influence how we treat people before we’ve given them a chance to explain.

And this can affect our relationships at work, at home and in everyday conversations.

1. We Often Judge Before We Understand

Think about a manager who notices that an employee has been unusually quiet during team meetings. The manager might conclude that the employee has lost interest in their work. Another colleague may assume the person is unhappy with the team. But there could be many reasons.

Perhaps the employee is dealing with a personal matter. Perhaps they disagree with something but don’t feel comfortable speaking up. Or perhaps they’re simply taking more time to think before contributing. Until someone asks, these are all possibilities.

Yet people sometimes act as though their interpretation is already a fact. A manager may become less patient with the employee. Colleagues may stop involving them in discussions. Before long, a misunderstanding can affect the working relationship.

What Can We Do Differently?

When you notice something that concerns you, separate what you’ve observed from what you’ve assumed. For example:

Observation: “You’ve been rather quiet during our last two meetings.”

Assumption: “You’re no longer interested in the team’s work.”

The observation gives you something specific to discuss. The assumption may be wrong. You could simply ask: “I’ve noticed you’ve been quieter than usual in our meetings. Is everything okay?”

Then give the person time to respond. You may learn something you hadn’t considered.

2. The Way We Ask Can Make People Defensive

Not every question encourages a useful conversation. Sometimes, we ask questions when we’ve already decided who is wrong. Consider these familiar remarks:

• “Why are you always so careless?”
• “Didn’t I already explain this to you?”
• “How many times must I remind you?”
• “Why can’t you do something so simple?”

They may sound like questions, but they often communicate frustration or criticism. The person receiving them may feel embarrassed, angry or defensive. Instead of explaining what happened, they may start protecting themselves.

This is particularly important for managers because their words carry additional weight. An employee may hesitate to disagree or offer an explanation when they feel their manager has already made up their mind.

Change How You Begin the Conversation

Suppose a colleague submits a report with several errors. You could ask: “Why are there so many mistakes in your report?”. Or you could begin with: “I noticed a few figures in the report don’t match the source data. Can we go through them together?”

The second approach identifies the issue clearly while allowing room to understand what happened. You can still address the errors and agree on what needs to be corrected. The difference is that you’re less likely to turn the conversation into an argument.

3. Being Direct Doesn’t Mean Being Harsh

In many Asian workplaces, managers are expected to give clear instructions, make decisions and address problems quickly. There’s nothing wrong with being direct. Employees need to understand what is expected of them, particularly when deadlines, customer commitments or business results are involved. However, directness becomes a problem when we overlook how our words affect the person receiving them.

For example, telling someone: “This work isn’t acceptable. Please correct these three areas before Friday.” may be appropriate when the expectations and problems are clear. But saying: “You never seem to get anything right.” turns feedback about the work into a judgement about the person. The second remark is unlikely to help someone understand what to improve.

Address the Issue Without Attacking the Person

When you need to raise a concern, focus on three things:

What happened? Describe the situation or behaviour you want to discuss.

Why does it matter? Explain the impact on the work, customer or other people.

What needs to happen next? Be clear about the action required.

You don’t have to soften every message or avoid difficult conversations. You can be firm, respectful and clear at the same time.

4. Our Tone Can Change the Meaning of a Conversation

Two people can say exactly the same words and create very different reactions.

Consider the question: “What happened?”. Asked calmly, it may sound like a genuine attempt to understand. Asked with an angry tone, raised eyebrows or an impatient expression, it may sound like an accusation.

People respond to more than our words. They notice our tone, facial expressions and body language. This is especially important when we’re frustrated. We may believe we’re asking a reasonable question, while the other person feels they’re being interrogated.

Notice How You’re Coming Across

Before raising a sensitive issue, ask yourself: “Am I ready to listen to the explanation, or am I still too upset?”. If you’re angry, it may be better to give yourself a little time before starting the conversation, provided the matter isn’t urgent.

When you speak, pay attention to whether you’re interrupting, raising your voice or reacting before the person has finished explaining. Small adjustments can make a difficult conversation more productive.

5. Listening Doesn’t Mean You Have to Agree

One reason people hesitate to listen is that they worry it may appear as though they’re accepting an excuse or agreeing with the other person. But listening is simply part of understanding the situation. You can hear someone’s explanation and still disagree with their decision.

For example, an employee may explain that they missed a deadline because another department provided information late. You can acknowledge the difficulty while still discussing what the employee could have done to manage the situation. You might say: “I understand the information came in late. When you realised the deadline was at risk, what stopped you from informing the team earlier?”

This allows you to understand the circumstances while keeping the conversation focused on responsibility. The same applies outside work. Listening to a family member’s point of view doesn’t mean you must accept everything they say. It simply gives you a better understanding before deciding how to respond.

6. Practise Asking Before Drawing Conclusions

Changing a communication habit takes practice, particularly when we’re busy, stressed or dealing with repeated problems. One useful approach is to pause whenever you notice yourself making a quick judgement about someone.

Ask yourself three questions:

Let’s say a colleague repeatedly arrives late for a project meeting. You know the person has been late. That’s a fact. But you may not know why. Instead of assuming the colleague doesn’t respect everyone’s time, ask what is causing the difficulty.

Once you understand the situation, you can discuss the expectation that meetings should start on time and agree on a practical solution. If the behaviour continues, you may need a firmer conversation. Being curious doesn’t mean avoiding accountability. It means making sure your response is based on a clearer understanding of the situation.

What Happens When Leaders Make Assumptions Too Quickly?

The impact can go beyond one difficult conversation. When employees feel that their managers regularly jump to conclusions, they may become more cautious about what they share. They may hesitate to report mistakes, raise concerns or offer different opinions. Over time, managers can lose access to information they need to make good decisions.

This can be particularly challenging in workplaces where employees are already reluctant to question someone more senior. A manager may believe the team agrees with a decision simply because nobody speaks up. But silence doesn’t always mean agreement. Sometimes, people remain quiet because they don’t think their views will be welcomed or valued.

For leaders, this makes it even more important to create opportunities for people to explain, question and contribute. You don’t need to agree with every opinion. But people should know that they can speak honestly and respectfully without being dismissed immediately.

Conclusion: Understand First, Then Respond

We all make assumptions. It’s part of how we interpret the people and situations around us. The challenge is recognising when our assumptions are influencing our reactions.

A colleague’s silence may have nothing to do with their attitude. A mistake may have a different cause from the one we first imagined. Someone’s disagreement may reveal something useful that we hadn’t considered.

Asking gives us a chance to understand these situations more clearly. It also helps us address problems without unnecessarily damaging relationships. The next time someone’s behaviour frustrates you, consider one simple question before responding: “Do I know what happened, or am I assuming I know?”. That small habit can make a meaningful difference to the way we communicate, lead and work with others.